


Paternity Test Ordered By The Court

by Uselesskey (KawaiiCookie24)



Category: Team Fortress 2
Genre: Cheavy dies and then comes back, M/M, crackfic, my brain feels sick, nothing is serious, save Heavy please, this is shit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-19
Updated: 2018-11-19
Packaged: 2019-08-26 06:00:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 802
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16675882
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KawaiiCookie24/pseuds/Uselesskey
Summary: Classic Heavy dies, seeking for vengeance comes back to life.This doesn't go as he thought he would. Now he has to pay for the things that happened before his death.





	Paternity Test Ordered By The Court

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Charlyoddsox27](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Charlyoddsox27/gifts).



> I blame Charlyoddsox27.
> 
> Did i read this before posting it? No!  
> Is it funny? No!!!  
> Do i have any regrets?
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> No.

The old motherfucker of a man, Classic Heavy, hit the floor with a loud, blunt thump. He groaned heavily, feeling both his heartbeat and pulse thumping on the back of his head. He felt odd on the torso, too.  
Like something had been ripped out-

He gasped loudly and clutched the red dirt under his hands tightly. 

He remembered now, that absolute motherfucker of Medic, had actually set off that bullshit birth machine I can't describe because I'm nearly illiterate.  
But he didn't have time to ponder on how twisted, ruthless and morally disgusting the fact that he gave birth to an actual baby was, because soon he realized there was someone gigantic before him.

Even buffer and bigger than him. holy shit.

The ruff old man stood up, still holding his belly with the odd feeling of emptyness. emptiness? empty- ANYWAYS. He stood up and looked up at the red-skinned man in a suit giving him a bored look. 

"Another one." muttered The Devil.

Cheavy looked around and made a disgusted face. "What kind of fucker has an office with a dirt floor?"

"You know what i'm jus' going to send you back up, I know what's going on, I don't want to have anything to do with this." said Satan.

The mercenary looked confused. 

"Don't you want to trade a soul or-"

"No!" The Devil snapped his fingers, sending him back to the earth realm.

With a loud poof, akin to the noise my last few neurons do as they die while i write this, he appeared in front of a little house. It was cold. He'd bet his bandana- wait, did that bitch also take his fucking bandana? Jesus fuck.

In all these years as a mercenary, he'd seen and heard a lot of traumatic things, but the loud baby crying that suddenly erupted from inside the home had to be in the top five. He started to have his doubts about this.

He passed a hand through his gray old mummy hair and knocked the door.

Soon, the Russian Daddy who had nearly killed him opened the door. Misha scoffed at him. 

"Doktor told me you were coming back." He looked back into the house, loudly calling for the medic. "DOKTOR! Your baby daddy is here."

Cheavy looked at the Russian from head to toe. There was a pacifier on his hand and a baby blanket over his shoulder with stains of drool.  
The look on his face was tired, bags under his eyes.

He looked fucking miserable.

"I would kill old man with bare hands again," said the Russian giant, taking him back from his thoughts. "But i need clean hands to touch baby, and Doktor needs you to-"

The German suddenly appeared, cradling the baby baboon in his arms, Heavy giving the pacifier to the baby and making it stop crying for now.

Ludwig's eyes lit up and he smiled widely.

"Ah, good! Now you can pay zhe child support!" 

Cheavy had never been so scared in his life. 

He put his hands up defensively. "H-hey I don't-"

"You pay kid support, or you have kid custody. Choose." said Heavy firmly, giving him a stoic look. Though really looking at his eyes Cheavy saw a single message in them.

'Please take child custody.'

"See, Heavy liebe? I told you it vas going to be like zhis, no vorries about our baby having a bad influence, only a strong, healthy step-father! Ready to trade organs vith!" chirped Medic happily.

Heavy let low, fake chuckles. 

"Ah yes, very good. Am very happy," he assured, patting the doctor's back, a look of absolute terror in his eyes contrasting with his smile. Cheavy thought he saw a small tear starting to roll out.

Cheavy started to feel less scared, instead now lucky. A smile started to grow on his face.

What, so he only had to live with the impending horror of knowing he'd given birth and the life-crushing weight on his wallet that the child support would leave? That was fine with him!

Anything was better than taking care of that spawn from hell.

"Oh, oh you know what Doc'? That's fine, that's all fine!" he exclaimed, taking out his wallet and throwing it at him. "Take it now, take it all! I'll send all the other money later!"

Cheavy started to laugh whole-heartedly. "Have a happy life, lovedoves, don't bother sending me birthday party invitations or anything. Don't tell him I exist alright? If you do I'll come back and take him to drink as a teen-"

Medic made a horrified face. "Leave, leave now!"

"Yes! I'll do, Goodbye nurse!" he laughed loudly, starting to run away, hands up in victory.

He knew he wouldn't even have to worry about getting a paternity test ordered by the court.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm just a bit sorry.


End file.
